An Eternity

Hello.

Allow me to re-introduce myself. My name is Hillary. I am a 23-year old American female.

I started this blog to chronicle my life. From the biggest of events, down to the smallest of inclinations throughout each and every day. That has been very difficult for me to keep up with, but here’s to hoping that I will change my ways, and stay focused.

A lot has changed since I started this blog. I was permanently employed, and on a career track. I was engaged to be married. That was my life, and everything I knew. All of that is no longer true.

In June of this year, I was laid off from my Project Management position. I loved my job there, and I didn’t realize how much losing my position would impact my entire life. They gave no notice, and have no plans of bringing me back to work for them. I was so disappointed. They couldn’t even give me a good reason for terminating my employment aside from, “financial issues” within the company. The part that killed me the most, was their frivolous spending (including new cars, new office furniture, long and expensive daily lunches, etc.). They claim that they couldn’t afford to keep a few of us, but never did they limit their unnecessary spending.

On top of that, they brought in a new employee shortly before terminating me, essentially to take over my position. I had to train this girl to do exactly what I was doing, and I was forced to give her all of the documents that I had spent so much time perfecting. All the while, they were ensuring me that she was not taking my position, and that I had nothing to worry about.

On June 11, 2013, my fiancé and I decided to discontinue our relationship. It was mostly a mutual decision but there are reasons behind it that made it my decision alone. There is enough evidence compiled to prove that he was cheating on me, despite me never have physically caught him in the act. There were lies and deception, and interpersonal conflicts that I could no longer deal with. And it still saddens me to this day. I had grown exceptionally close to his family, and all of that was lost. I cared for them more than I do for most of my actual family. It was a difficult, but obviously necessary decision.

Unfortunately, the timing was absolutely terrible.

June 14th, he moved out and got his own place. June 19th, my bosses decided to terminate my position.

I was left hopeless, devastated, and with absolutely no plans for my immediate future. One of the hardest things throughout this entire situation was when on Friday, June 16, 2013 my boss found out that my fiancé and I had separated and that he had moved out and I was moving that very weekend. His words to me were, “as hard as this situation may be, I think it’s important that you remember that you have a job here. A home here. And that’s not going anywhere.” The following Monday they laid me off. I had just took on a monthly rent payment, and had separated from my fiancé, whom had been previously responsible for half of all of our bills. To leave me so financially desecrated was one of the lowest things anyone had ever done to me. To give me no further explanation than that they were dealing with financial hardship within the company, was just awful. How could they do that to me? My performance while with that company spoke for itself. I know that I had done an exceptional job with all of the tasks they had laid on my shoulders.

To state the obvious, June was a very difficult month for me.

I remained unemployed until mid-October, when I took a position at a forging plant. The work was unbearable, and after seriously contemplating suicide, I left the company. I had never done anything like that before. I gave no notice whatsoever, and just left. It was terrible. But I have absolutely no regrets.

With my short time at that forging plant, I considered suicide. I started cutting again, which I hadn’t done for nearly three years. It was just awful.

November came as a much needed spiritual lift. I found a position through a temporary staffing company, and I am still there. I am working in data entry, and I enjoy the work. Because I have done such a good job, and far surpassed the fourteen other temporary employees on this project, I know that I have been noticed. My goal is to get hired permanently into the company, and my supervisor has brought up to me that possibility. I am very excited, but trying desperately to not get my hopes up. If I did get hired, it would be in compliance. She told me that because I have done so well with what we are doing, she sees me as a perfect fit for that area.

I also started school back up. I am enrolled back at ITT-Technical Institute, but in a different program. I was previously studying Electronics Engineering Technology, but hated it. I really struggled learning the material, and wasn’t happy. I have now switched to Software Development. It is an Associate’s program. Because of the testing out I had previously done, and the classes I had already taken in my electrical program, I have already completed 7/25 of the class requirements. Therefore, switching programs didn’t cause me to lose any progress whatsoever, which is a pretty big relief.

Needless to say, I am very busy now. I’m working full time, Monday through Friday. Then immediately after work, I have class on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. Despite the difficulties I have faced in the past several months, I am staying positive, and staying focused.

Limbo

That’s the only way to describe how I have been feeling. Limbo. I feel like I’m not really going anywhere, but I’m not coming from anything either. Things have been a steady fluctuation of slightly bad or slightly good… I’m not wishing bad upon my life, but it would be nice to see some changes. I know I have to make any changes in my life that I want to see, and that no one’s going to do it for me. But, I’m just tired of hearing that something is going to change that I can’t change myself and then continually, nothing happens.

I feel tired frequently, and lately, all I’ve wanted to do is play zombies. I haven’t even had much of an appetite. I’m not depressed or anything… Like I said, I just feel like I am in limbo.

I need to get out and do something fun. I need to make some new friends or something because going to work everyday and watching TV every night isn’t working for me very well anymore.

Just another manic Monday

Boy did that weekend go by fast. After two four day weekends in a row, you start to get spoiled. Then a normal weekend comes and it’s gone in the blink of an eye. Oh well, I have so much to do at work and have been somewhat unmotivated to do it.

On a side note, I have been sleeping terribly lately. Last night I laid awake from just before 4am until the last time I looked at the clock was 5:30am. I finally got to sleep and woke up again at 6:30am, just before my alarm clock went off at 7am. How frustrating.

Hopefully as the winter clears and spring enters, I will be able to start sleeping well again. If not, something will have to change because it’s starting to wear me down. I can’t afford to let this cause me illness.

Dawn of a new day

January 5th, 2013. It is a new year. A fresh start. Nothing changes from the end of one year to the beginning of the next aside from the day and date… but everyone decides to try and change themselves. We as humans look at a new year as a new starting point, and I don’t think that’s wrong.

I, myself have a few changes in the making. My most active one is to begin saving money. I have never been able to save, and that is an awful trait to have. I always pay my bills and have a little extra to have what I want, but I never have anything set aside in case I need it. So, I started a new plan for saving money.

I have set up a spreadsheet in Excel to help determine EXACTLY what I need to put aside, and when. I get paid every Friday. From each check, 10% will go into a checking account at a different institution than my regular bank. For my savings, I will put an exponentially increased factor of $2 in weekly. For example, yesterday, (1/4/13) I put $2 into my savings account. Next Friday, I will put in $4, for a balance of $6. The week after that, $6 for a balance of $12. Then $8 for a balance of $20, and so on and so forth. I am very excited and anxious about this plan, and I truly hope that I can stick with it. I am going to try and make saving my first and foremost goal, and everything else, financially, will come behind it. If I don’t have enough to pay a certain bill, it will have to wait until the next week, as I am not going to cancel my savings deposit. You can see my spreadsheet at the following link. https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B2GRLGF189XDeGNOTklBU1FRZHc

Aside from all that, I also would like to begin reading more books. I am going to try and get a Kindle Paperwhite, which will hopefully prompt me to read even more, and faster. I have a few books right now that I need to get through before I can start that project. I have heard goals of 50 books a year, but I think that is just too high for me as I am just starting out. I will put forth a goal of 15 books this year, which is just over one a month. This goal is much more attainable for me, and is still a number I can be proud of.

I also have a goal for my puppy. He has a bad habit of chewing things, and I can’t really leave him alone in the house or I will find something chewed up. When I go to work, he goes in his crate and my fiance lets him out when he gets home. I am going to enroll him in puppy training classes. I just found out that aside from all the other benefits that come with puppy classes, they can also help with the chewing. That made it even more valuable to me. Classes start on Saturday, January 26th. I am very excited.

I hope that everyone had a great holiday season, and has a wonderful New Year. We can all be successful with our goals as long as they are honestly what we want to do, and they are attainable. If you set the bar too high for yourself, you will eventually fail and give up. I’m not telling you to lower your standards, but just be sure that what you’re trying to do is what YOU WANT to do.

Good luck and happy findings.

It’s a beautiful morning

I woke up this morning to find layers upon layers of snow. It truly is a winter wonderland outside. Winter is my favorite time of year. I love the cold, dry air. I love the snow, and all the winter clothes. I love wrapping up in a bunch of toasty blankets despite the cold air in the house. I sleep so much better.

Everything feels clean and crisp. I wish it lasted longer.

It’s the Holiday Season

Christmas was a blur. I was here and there, and everywhere. Overall it was good. I got a lot more presents than I expected, and they were all good. I ate a lot of food, but not too much, and it wasn’t the same thing every day. I had a four-day weekend, and I will have the same this coming weekend in lieu of the new year. I have talked with my boss, and I am going to try and take part of my vacation time this coming week, giving me a full week off while only having to use three of my vacation days. It sure would be nice if that came to fruition.

I am looking forward to welcoming 2013. There are changes that I plan to make, and soon I will begin making plans towards those changes. I am nervous and anxious, but mostly excited.

Christmas Eve

Well, it is Christmas Eve. I had a great day. My fiance and I exchanged our gifts today. We were both very happy with what we got. My tradition is to spend time with family at a house owned by two elderly people who I consider to be just like grandparents to me. We had a great time there. Lots of food, lots of smiles, and lots of dogs!

Christmases now always take me back to those spent with my Gramma. As my uncle said during her funeral, “Gramma is Christmas.” That’s what I used to say, and that’s where he got that quote. It breaks my heart to know that no more Christmases will be spent with her, but in a way, she’s always there. She’s in every Christmas tree, or decoration I see. She’s in every set of Christmas lights I drive by. She’s certainly in the genuine smiles I see during Christmas time. More than any other time of year, she’s everywhere. And for that, I am grateful.

I think the holiday season brings out the best and worst in people. It forces you to deal with things that you may have put off otherwise. It forces you to overcome emotions that you would otherwise suppress. Though it can bring up so many memories that you may not want to re-live, it makes you stronger. Forcing you to deal with tragedy, it brings light to that which you may take for granted. I will always have memories of time spent with my Gramma. I will always remember her tickling my feet to wake me up, and I will always remember hundreds of Christmas presents scattered about… most of them for me. :]

All I can say is, be happy with what you have, because you never know when you won’t have it.

May we not die unlived lives.

It’s been 10 days since I’ve written, and I feel like that is such a long time. So much has happened since I’ve written, both personally, and nationally. My fiance threatened me with moving out last week when we got into a fight. In turn, we are working on our relationship. We need to start being better to each other. More affection, more love, more trust. It’s a two way street and I hope that he is willing to work as hard as I am. I also hope that he never threatens me like that again because I’m not willing to put up with anything like that. If you want to leave, leave. Don’t let it weigh me down by constantly throwing it in my face.

We did end up getting a kitten. We picked him up Saturday (12/15/12). His name was “Lucky”. He came from the animal shelter. He is approximately 9 months old. He is such a sweet boy. We changed his name to “Whiskey Jack”. We’ll see if that sticks.

Aside from all that, there was a national tragedy last Friday (12/14/12). A young man, age 20, killed his mother. He then went to a nearby school (Newtown, Connecticut), and murdered 26 people, before killing himself. 20 of the 26 were children, ages 6 and 7. Now there is an uproar about guns and self defense weapons. People are scared that the government will take away our right to own guns. I don’t see how that’s possible, but regardless, I have started shopping around to purchase a gun for myself. This is one of the saddest events I have lived through… they keep showing these children’s faces, and telling the stories of the teachers and staff who died protecting the kids. It’s so sad that one day you’re just doing the same thing you do everyday, and it ends up being your last. Life is so fragile, and the more I hear of incidents like this, the more it makes me realize that living through each day really is a feat in itself. Whenever a tragedy happens, the first thing you hear is to realize how much we take for granted. It’s true on a level that we don’t sit down and thank whomever for the things we have, but honestly… we need to be more appreciative of the non-material things. We have arms. We have legs. We have thumbs. We have brains that allow us to recognize language. We have emotions. And someday, that will all be over. We need to start living for now.

My deepest thoughts and prayers go out to all of those affected in this recent tragedy. Whether you were a first responder, a student who lost a friend, a parent, a brother or sister, family… even the people doing the news reports, and all those who have dropped a tear that don’t even know anyone in Connecticut. This is a highly emotional situation and I pray that as a nation we can dull the negativity on this subject and just be there for those who need it.

 

i-will-not-die-an-unlived-life

Rejuvenation

Well, I missed a blog yesterday. But honestly, I really didn’t have much to say. I had an incredibly quiet day at work… I spent most of my time learning HexChat, an IRC program. I became a janitor for a website that I frequent, and spent a lot of time learning the lingo, and understanding other moderator’s personalities.

It was incredibly quiet in my office, and I’m satisfied with that. My boss wasn’t there because he hurt his foot, and again, I am satisfied with that. I hope that things turn around soon at my job, or else I will likely begin looking around for other options.

My fiancee and I are starting to consider getting a kitten for Christmas. He likes maine coons, and I do too. Regardless, we will end up with a long haired kitten because of his allergies. And I’m just fine with that.

Today is Saturday and I am feeling slightly unmotivated and lazy. I am trying to get the nerve about to bring my Christmas tree upstairs, and go to the store for some groceries. We’ll see what happens.

We are the bells that never sing.

Well, today at work went very well compared to yesterday. Hardly anyone talked to me all day, and only two or three conversations that I DID have were negative. That’s not too bad.

Got some bad news a couple of days ago. I started my car up after work and my battery light came on. It was kind of weird, because I hadn’t had any issues with it, and it started up just fine. Regardless, I took it in and had a battery put in… and today I’m taking it to have an alternator put in. That’ll sure put a damper on Christmas.